Hey guys! It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, so I thought I’d overshare my romantic life a little bit! As someone that’s only been in two relationships in their lifetime, I don’t have many dating stories. However, there have been some other mishaps involving crushes and other people. I wasn’t the most popular person at school – in fact, because I wasn’t the most attractive person, I was hated there even more than Hitler, so that goes to show.
Let’s go down this rabbit hole of trauma. There are trigger warnings for underage sexual abuse. Names have been changed.
I used to have this best friend, Tom. We were pretty much tight-knit from the time we started school, and we’d always end up in this on-off relationship-type-thing. The other issue was the form of a girl, Helen. As much as Tom was a best friend from the off, Helen was the bitter, nasty rival. If Tom wasn’t calling me his girlfriend, he’d be with Helen, and that caused a lot of friction, as you can understand. In the end, me and Helen came to a mutual understanding and became low-key friends, and then we started secondary school.
So we were 11, and me and Tom had just started dating, as he’d asked me out. However, it was in the loosest of terms, honestly. At the same time, I’d started being preyed on by these boys who were about 13-14. Basically, unwarranted groping on their part. I kept telling them to stop, and that I had a boyfriend, but when they pressed Tom, he denied it. So he basically allowed them to torment me, and I became so scared of them. And I ended things with Tom. He stated that he wanted the relationship to be a secret, but it didn’t justify his actions. He then claimed to have dumped me, which is laughable.
Needless to say, I haven’t spoken with Tom in about ten years or so.
I often had a myriad of crushes, but I was still just a teenager, really. The first one, I will admit I did get a bit much, as first crushes happen. He was Lyle, and we got along until I fancied him. I mean, I thought he was cute. I wasn’t the only one – my friend Ellie fancied him too, and dumped his cousin for him. So I did what any lovestruck near-teenager would do, and tried to sabotage it. In the end, I was hugely pressured to ask him out at the end of the school year, bearing in mind I’d already asked him out, and I was pestered about this all lunch break.
Another guy I sorta liked ripped up a Christmas card I’d made for him. Yeah that definitely made sure that I’d go nowhere near him. Later on in life, his dad (I think, or a family member) ended up teaching me in my degree, so that’s something else entirely. I ended up becoming the dependable one, and as well as Student Representative, I ended up as a Representative on the Board of Studies, and we always used to talk about the gym. Eat that karma, Josh!
Around the same time as that last one, I remember a few guys that would team up to pretend that they were interested in me romantically. So to shut one of them up I said yes, but obviously it wasn’t really a relationship, because neither of us were interested, really. So he got someone else to ‘dump’ me after two days, and that same afternoon tried asking me out again. It was really weird.
A different guy, Frank, I started to like after we actually started getting along. It had been rumoured for a while, but I told one of my ‘friends’, and by the end of the day it had gone around to the entire year group, as it does. It definitely had its knock-on effects though – I was told he was already with someone, which fair, I left it alone. But nobody else could – he suddenly had a girl, Natalie, flirting with him at any moment purely because I liked him, his best friend took every opportunity possible to call me out, even when I wasn’t doing anything, everyone literally pressured me to hug him, and yet I was the one that was hated. Trust me, it didn’t take me long to get over that one after that huge fallout.
I had smaller crushes, and other crushes I confused with admiration, such as a guy I was good friends with, who ended up being my second kiss (I was dared to kiss him, and it was a quick peck), and even through badgering and a confession, he didn’t hold that against me. But we also clashed heavily, we had messy arguments, pressure from friends, and when we left school I knew it was time to put that aside and just be friends, because I knew how toxic it was getting. Outside of school, we were perfectly fine, until he asked me to talk dirty to him and then said I had an attitude problem because I refused.
Two guys from my Media class took my attention through first year of sixth form – Luke and Brendon. Luke was more from an admiration standpoint, where he was this cool musician. But he was an arse, otherwise I could have fancied him. Brendon I liked a bit more, but I let it go once I found out he had a girlfriend. In the end, we actually bonded over my music tastes, which was pretty nice. I found a lot of different bands through his influence. I had a friend who I talked to about pretty much everything, and I told her about him, she added him on Facebook (why) and he thought I was talking to her about him all the time, and that it was creepy. In my defense, I talked about everyone, she just took it the wrong way.
The one that had the biggest impact was Drake. Drake was a group member in one of our major projects (you’ve seen this, I did a storytime about this). Even now, I can think of everything that charmed me. I was approaching my 18th birthday, he was 20. It was kind of a slow build, but the feelings were more intense than I’d ever felt at the time. Did I love him? Back then, I would have said yes, but after the fact, not as much as I’d thought. It was quite funny though. He kept flirting around in a joking manner, but I wasn’t really reciprocating, because I knew it was a joke. Then another girl, Hannah, started really flirting with him on our trip despite already having a boyfriend, then she completely ignored Drake once we got back. It got to the point where I couldn’t stand him being such an arse, and trying to play around with my feelings.
That really messed me up in terms of trust, and I found it hard to even accept that I had romantic feelings for someone later down the line. Thankfully, he’s not a bellend and we’re still in a relationship after all this time! Back when I was younger, I thought that being a virgin at 20 was pretty sad and lonely, but I was a virgin at 20, and nothing can change that. I’m just glad that I finally got the right person!
It’s not that I was totally undesirable – there was a period of time when I had guys that did fancy me. They did get a bit too clingy for my liking though, which drove me further away. The most prominent of these was Olly, who I met through a mutual friend and mutual interest. Of course, I wasn’t expecting anything, and suddenly we have this conversation and he just comes out and says that he had feelings for me but knows I’m not looking for anything. I get overwhelmed after a while, and after unfriending and re-friending, he started becoming more possessive, to the point where he kept trying to guilt-trip me for not having feelings for him. Even as recently as 2017, we would talk, and after a brief period of me being busy, he’d ask if I was ignoring him. It got to the point where I loathed the idea of him talking to me, and got rid for good.
Okay, so I admit my romantic life has been very colourful, just not in the grand scheme of actual dates or relationships. Just teething issues, I suppose.