The Feeling of Failure

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I have to write this just to, well, have something to write.

I suppose that feeling of failure is super-common for me. I know it’s something that a lot of people deal with, not just me. But sometimes it really sticks with you.

  • If my blog doesn’t get views in a day? Failure.
  • I don’t get a job that I really wanted? Failure.
  • Stumbling over my words? Failure.
  • My grades at school? Failure.
  • Neither side of my family wants anything to do with me? Failure.
  • Everyone hated me at school? Failure.
  • Nobody wanted to celebrate my university graduation? Failure.

My issue is that I find it too easy to discard things that I’m not naturally good at. Not for lack of trying, I sometimes just don’t have the knack. But I just get disappointed when I don’t have something that I’m genuinely good at. It’s why when I’m asked what is unique about me, I don’t have anything.

If I’m completely honest, I haven’t found that one thing that I’m really good at. I’ve tried writing, drawing, cooking, filming, dancing, linguistics, gaming. I even was sent a death threat because I made a short film that wasn’t quite up to par.

But the question here is this: am I setting my goals too high?

Something that I have to learn is that I’m not going to get perfect results first time around. I’m not going to nail that pronunciation that seems out of place with that new language. My artwork did improve over the two years that I did draw. I found that I’m not too bad at leadership.

The fear of rejection is within our primal mindsets. We are biologically wired to fear rejection. Our prehistoric ancestors being rejected meant certain death, if they were rejected from their tribe. We are social creatures. I do fear being rejected from getting a book pubished. I don’t know how many attempts it will take to get to the point where I’m accepted.

It took me over 200 job applications with multiple rejections. I still don’t have a full-time job. And after many CV evaluations and job/mock interviews, a lot of the people I have spoken to were baffled by it all.

So realistically, going back to my question as to whether or not I’m setting my standards too high: yes and no. While I can’t even seem to land a job in a shop, it’s not as if I’m applying for a job in astrophysics. But I can still try and aim for what I can do. That’s why I’m doing this blog, after all!

Honestly, I just wanted to rant a little!

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