Why I’m Not Allowed to be a Rogue in Dungeons and Dragons – Storytime


Hey guys! Oftentimes I will go down into the nerdy abyss and have a game of Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) with a few friends. We generally have had few deaths before a long hiatus a few years back, but since coming back to playing at the end of 2018, I’ve suffered a lot of deaths:

  • Exploded, but was resurrected millenniums later.
  • Fell out of a tree – I was a Druid.
  • Fell down a trap hole (rolled a Nat 1).
  • Drank alcohol. Was resurrected, forgot alcohol would kill me.
  • Drank alcohol again.
  • Spoilers for later in the Storytime.
  • Shot in the head with an arrow while asleep.
  • Was killed by a zombified Cade Tealeaf.
  • Killed while trying to apprehend an AWOL Fighter (happened off-story).
  • Spoilers for later in the Storytime.
  • Spoilers for later in the Storytime.

So without further ado, I’ll tell you why I’m not allowed to play a Rogue character in D&D. Bear in mind this is all 3.5 edition, rather than 5th.

I found the featured image on Geek & Sundry.

We’ll start with my first Rogue, Bob the Gnome. He was made specifically for a one-shot, and he wasn’t a bad Rogue, he just got overshadowed by a Barbarian who was convinced he could disable traps (this is played by someone who was later kicked for cheating on rolls). But Bob survived, and he’s still there to be used later.

After my Sorcerer died from drinking alcohol for the second time, I decided to create a new Rogue – I can’t remember if he was a Halfling or a Gnome, but he was called Ilya the Bloody, because of his bloody awful acting (he liked the dramatics). He was also very OCD, in the same vein as Death the Kid from Soul Eater. This was because he took two hours to cut a tripwire straight down the middle.

Anyway, we were given the task to collect several souls (in the thousands), for this one god whose name I cannot remember. So we all turned evil, and we had to concoct a plan to get the souls. I thought of a widespread solution that would help gather these souls quickly with little to no effort.


Basically, after over a month of working, we created a plague that would even affect Drow. It took a while, and I was chosen to host the plague as a carrier. That kinda went wrong as an explosion happened, and even we contracted the plague properly. Our Barbarian decided to rush head-first in a town and blow them up, but he ran into an iron door and died. The rest of us ended entire worlds with the plague, and we all exploded and died.

For the next Rogue, I was going to bring back Bob. However, one of the other players’ characters hates Gnomes, so I decided to be a Halfling Rogue called Amara Goodbarrel. She was famous for being a terrible Rogue, being arrested countless times. She had one chance left before she would be thrown off Dock 13. She was tasked with the job of stealing a rattle. So she went over to the local church, where a Cleric was trying to build his own Cult of Lucio (note: I had a character called Lucio with a God Complex. I persuaded the Cleric’s player to use Lucio for his cult). Long story short, the sneaky Ranger turned up, and so did Lucio in his glory.

At one point in this story, we were fighting some people and an orc/ogre (can’t remember which one at this point). The Cleric was only able to find the assailant’s codpiece. This started the main part of the cult, where the symbol was a codpiece.

Needless to say, I finished the task, got the rattle and gave it to the kingpin who requested it. We then did a murder investigation, where the guy wasn’t actually dead and it was just a test. We then went to the sewer to take on the crocodile.

I couldn’t find any traps, and the Cleric went onto one of the traps. It was fine. Afterwards, I was able to successfully find a few traps – I disabled the tripwire, but then I rolled a Nat 1 to disable the fire rune. I was thrown against a wall and killed pretty much immediately. However, due to divine grace, I was resurrected. However, I rolled a Nat 1 on a Will save, had a heart attack from the trauma of dying, and died again.

As a result of this, our Ranger ended up killing himself, as I had triggered his flaw. The resulting explosion from his armour meant that our Cleric was caught in the crossfire and died.

After making new characters, we ventured out to the next town. Basically, we took five hours to get to the next town.

So that’s why I’m not allowed to play a Rogue anymore. It’s a shame because it’s my favoured class to play, Ranger aside.

5 comments on “Why I’m Not Allowed to be a Rogue in Dungeons and Dragons – Storytime”

  1. I do love a good natural 1 death. I was watching some of my friends play back in college. They decided that my one friend’s bard would die automatically the next time he tried to seduce something and got a nat 1. He proceeded to do just that maybe three minutes later.


    1. …ouch! Yeah I’ve had a good amount of nat 1 deaths and unlucky circumstances. But it’s now a running joke to see when I would have another character death!


      1. It makes sense. We had a friend like that, he would always fudge his rolls and make up numbers to ensure he never had a character death. He got kicked out in the end, the atmosphere’s been a lot livelier in the group since.

        Liked by 1 person

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